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My Year of Failure



*preface: I actually wrote this back at the end of 2018 just 2 days before my 26th birthday, but after almost 2.5 months of trying to figure out my life as a mom of two and WAH mompreneur, it seemed just as relevant today as it did when I first wrote it. 💖*


My year of failure.


As I sit here on my couch, post-holidays, having just finished teaching my morning classes, I feel a mixture of emotions.


Sadness

Joy

Exhaustion

Withdraw

Gratitude


All hitting my body and subconscious at various moments. I definitely think the post-holiday blues is a thing. I feel them every year. But there’s also a sense of sadness that washes over me when I think of all the things I’ve done and haven’t done in this past year.


At the start of 2018 I made this grand list of 26 things I wanted to do before I turned 26. Now that I’m 2 days away from that milestone, I can’t even find that list and I’m 99% certain that the majority of those items weren’t even touched, much less accomplished. And part of me is deeply saddened by that. If anything, some may look at my life and say I’ve gone backwards this year.


I quit my career.

I sold my home.

I started over in a new town.

I gained a ton of weight (yes, all baby-related, but still).

I paused one dream in pursuit of another.


It just doesn’t feel like much headway was gained in 2018, if I’m being completely honest with myself. But it also doesn’t really feel like a year of failures either.

As I sit with all of these truths and emotions, I find myself struggling. Struggling to reframe them in a way that is constructive. Instead, my inner mean girl is running wild, telling me all of these things that I know aren’t true, but that still hurt regardless.


“You failed.”

“You quit.”

“You should be so much farther by now.”

“You’re a fraud.”

“You’ll never be enough.”


She’s ruthless in her attempts to break me down. And while I can’t quite overcome her in this moment, here are the things I’m clinging to and know in my heart to be true, even if my mind isn’t ready to accept them:


This year I followed my heart.

I responded to the nudge.

I stopped letting other people’s opinions dictate my actions.

I got quiet.

I sat with myself and really took inventory of who I am and what I want out of this life.

I let myself explore my spiritual side.

I found the courage to start all over again.

I created new life.

I embarked on a new journey that, while I have no idea where it will lead, I have so much faith and passion for.

I took massive steps towards living in my truth, living a life that is completely authentic, and following my intuition.


While those on the outside looking in may see this as a year of backsliding, I know it to be a year of immense growth. But just as the majority of a flower’s early development happens beneath the surface, out of eyesight, so too has mine. This year’s growth as been internal. No one can see it, but I sure can feel it.

Things are happening.

I am shifting.

And just as the flowers sprout in the spring, I know the bloom is coming soon.

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